pilgrim

the path is long and the way is insecure.
the light amidst the darkness burns faintly from a far-off distance & reminds us to press onwards. our very nature cries out in fear for the uncertainty that presses around us, spurring us against the grain. indulging our senses amounts to unrealistic emotions and misguided judgements. we flourished in the darkness before the blindfold had been removed. made friends with the very creatures that kept us hunkered down in our shame & despair. a safety net which quickly became our very downfall and unraveling. like a curtain torn in two, was the way our darkness was shattered & splintered into the past. overcome with the unveiling, our knees hit the ground and we covered our eyes with those same sinful hands. He is there. abounding with love; a heart overflowing with joy far beyond measure for a child willing to return. pushed past the pain and anger, she makes her way through the jungle and maze of her broken, forgotten heart. a light brings forth an unfamiliar smile on her face and crumbles the walls and armor, unneeded. she comes alongside Him and places those hands within His like a cherished treasure. sin has found its secure place in the depths, and love has replaced the shadows benearth her eyes. a new way unknown but uncovered by the very Creator of light & life. He smiles and the tears of transformation glimmer and fall to the ground. her heart comes undone & she sees Who was there all along. her Savior has pulled her from the grave and a cleansing tidal wave of forgiveness restores her sanity and pulls her to her feet once more. her heart has awakened to the very reason for its creation. she was never forgotten or unloved.
she is His.

written during Discipleship II class on 08.23.08

grace home

near & far she's searched. with a heavy heart and broken tears for the dreams
she has left behind. the dreams of a life without all the heartache,
full of joy and laughter. she has spent all her time searching for the
one thing that would satisfy her sould and make her feel completely whole.
she has turned her face to the cold wind and resolved to find the answer -
whatever the cost. thinking she would have to make the journey alone,
surprised to find someone standing alongside her.
He reaches out His hand for her to grasp & she begins to feel His warmth.
her fears begin to melt away as his love overtakes her soul and lights her eyes.
she stops and realizes the truth.
this God she walks alongside has not merely shown her the way -
He is whom she is searching for.
her heart has found a home.

--written during my stay at Grace Home on 04.03.08

a fantastic time at Elevation Church on Sunday morning with my good friends Kim & Wes.
they were brave enough to venture out with me after waking up at 6:45 on a weekend.
have you ever had an encourager in your life...a true selfless one? that is what they are for me. i praise the Lord for them in my life...

...awakening...

IN CONVERSATION
This agitation revisits me. I want to communicate so freely.
But when you talk to me I don't think that I understand you.

Some hesitation would certainly help me to think before I speak.
But when you talk to me I feel as if I can't control it.

Can we just agree?
'Cause when you talk to me I feel as if I can't control it.
Can we just agree?
Is it up to me?

In conversation I fail miserably. I want to be someone else whenever I speak.
'Cause when I talk to you I don't think that you understand me.

Can we just agree?
'Cause when I talk to you I don't think that you understand me.
Can we just agree?
Is it up to me?

Conversation is amazing when we're free to say things people often won't because they hate themselves.
These situations, almost daily, have a way of making people understand that all of us are one.
But isolation and division will be our destruction if we can't communicate.
So as I contradict myself and forget all I've said,
I am free.

--Juliana Theory

if at first you don't succeed...

When I have failed, I need You, Lord,
To teach this lesson clear:
If I but learn & try again,
Success is always near.
-Dave Branon

If at first you don't succeed, with Christ's help, try again.

yeah boi

AUGUST IN BETHANY
with the sounds of the ocean crashing 7:30 friday evening everything comes tumbling down i choke back each tear that bleeds i'd rather rest forever in your arms i'd rather stay here than go but i know that i should leave as i sit here helpless don't go you said you wouldn't you said you couldn't i think of our time together is it fading am i dreaming everything you said lives on i cherish our memories i want to kiss your tears away tonight it's hard to give up the one you never thought you'd leave don't go your eyes see through my soul don't go you say as i walk out the door. -- Juliana Theory

beach campouts & fireworks

my two new favorites:

sitting at S'bux with Ocie
worshipping at Elevation

thank you for blessing me so richly Lord and don't ever let me take it for granted...

a brand new start indeed

My dearest bud Leah has required that I purchase the new Alter Bridge cd and I'm loving it to death. I blast it in my car every waking hour that I am driving. I love it. I highly recommend it.

Blackbird by Alter Bridge
it will rock your socks off

i'm not sure where i'm going, but i'm ready to go...

i miss him.

Say

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say...

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say...

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open... wide...

--lyrics by John Mayer

check it

1st day at work!

checklist:
dress up...check
pack my lunch...check
shop at Bath & Body Works on my lunch break...check
meet new co-workers...check
make fun of new co-workers...check
sarcastically fire a new co-worker...check
get a blister from new shoes...check
check my myspace from work...check
text-message my homegirls from work...check
kinda miss my slacker days (see above picture) ...check

loving my new job...check

sunny Armenian dinner days

I had a fantastic Armenian dinner last night. For those of you that have never eaten Armenian food - it is a bit different. But it's so worth trying. And somehow you manage to feel so healthy even after just eating!

Laid in the sun with my sister for the afternoon and spent some time with my brother as well. How I have missed them. They are growing up and have their own lives now and I am thankful to still be a part of them - however small. God has truly blessed me with these three beautiful & strong siblings of mine who have been with me thru some extremely difficult, low points in my life.

I am so blessed to have the Godly people that I have surrounding me. Even when they are hundreds of miles away...I know that I am being thought of and prayed for. And that is one of God's great mysteries. How you can be so far away from someone and still feel so close...

I will be worth the wait...

I've been listening to Jordin Sparks song called Worth the Wait. And I wonder how much of those lyrics I can apply to my life right now.

I have been attending a Financial Peace Seminar every week & I have to say this is going to be excited to see what God is going to do in the financial realm of my life. Just another part that I am trying to entrust to Him and stop trying to figure everything out for myself. It is actually interesting to learn about how to manage my $ wisely. No matter the amount. I am excited.

I'm getting passport photos taken tomorrow. Those never fail to turn out quite unexpectedly and then hang around for the next ten years or so :) I'm hoping for a good hair day.

God has allowed me the opportunity lately to spend time quietly and has given me the chance to place my cares in His hands. The question is...am I doing that...

Every second, every day...remind me that You are there for me...I love You so much.

shizZAM

i had a fantastic nite hanging out with the "Elevation ladies" as i like to call them. they are real, and hilarious & we had a blast. i am so thankful for this small group of women that are such an encouragement in my life.

*Amber's day of productivity*

• slept in ('cause i went to church last night ;)
  
• lounged by the pool & smoked a black-n-mild listening to 96.1 The Beat & reading
• watched Griffin & Phoenix (highly recommended)
• chatted with friends
• baked 4 dozen cookies - ranging from white chocolate macadamia nut to ginger snaps - and looked like a stalker trying to give them to my neighbors
  
• laughed it up with my small group girls & talked about our lives

i may not have a job yet, but right now i love my life :)

Chevelle

if you haven't seen Tyler Perry's

Why Did I Get Married?

I would highly recommend it. Went to Speed Street uptown Charlotte last night to see Chevelle and pester my brother on the light rail. I think the people around him thought I was hitting on him. It was awesome. I love you Danny! Now the debate is...church or flea market?

this is me & him from back in the day

thank God for rainy days

so i just got off the phone from an HOUR long phone interview with Avalon School in South Korea. to say that i am stoked is just not enough expression by far. i am so thrilled at this opportunity and to remember that i have had this dream since 2000. that is a dream in the making for eight years! and i had such a restful and adventurous day wandering around uptown with Jennifer and enjoying the gorgeous early summer weather outside - tasting new foods and getting an adrenaline rush hiding from the security officers in the museum. what a perfect end to a day...

thank you Jesus for the rain.

i'd rather be -- by harvey nowland

personally
i'd rather be a rambler
than a farmer.
a shepherd than a king
a wise man than wealthy
healthy
though without fame
i'd rather be like i am
than to be like him or you
for that's the way
God made me
and i can live with that
can you?

they said it

"seize from every moment
its unique novelty, and do not
prepare your joys."
- andre gide

"i love to think
of nature as an unlimited
broadcasting station
through which God speaks
to us every hour,
if we will only tune in."
- george washington carver

"a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." --herm albright

"enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." --robert brault

"wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine." --anthony j. d'angelo

"i have found that if you love life, life will love you back." --arthur rubinstein

love revolution

"what soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul." --yiddish proverb

july

the little cares that fretted me,
i lost them yesterday
among the fields above the sea,
among the winds at play;
among the lowing of the herds,
the rustle of the trees,
among the singing of the birds,
the humming of the bees.

the foolish fears of what may happen -
i cast them all away
among the clover-scented grass,
among the new-mown hay;
among the husking of the corn
where drowsy poppies nod,
where ill thoughts die & good are born,
out in the fields with God.
-elizabeth barrett browning

have a wacky day!

our lives can get so full, so tightly organized and structured that we can forget how to have fun. To enjoy life, sometimes we have to transform our ordinary days into extraordinary days. sometimes we have to act a little wacky if we want to laugh. so go ahead and have a wacky day!

• instead of the usual cereal or eggs, eat pizza or spaghetti for breakfast
• go to the park & swing. to add to the fun, take along a friend to push you.
• get up early in the morning & drive across your state with no place to go. stop at every spot that looks interesting & enjoy the scenery. don't forget the picnic lunch (and you may have to wait for the gas prices to go down...)
• tune to the shopping network. you will discover products you never knew existed.
• stay overnight in the hotel down the street. have you ever wondered what the rooms look like? this will be your chance to find out.
• if it's a nice day and your workplace is nearby, ride your bike to work.
• start out the day looking for at least 3 people to help and do something kind for each of them. beware: this may become habit-forming.
• pay for the driver's meal in the car behind you at the fast-food restaurant. you will laugh all the way home!
• spend the entire day at the library reading and drinking cappuccinos. --nancy b. gibbs
  

the rainy day book

"where your pleasure is,
there is your treasure.
where your treasure is,
there is your ♥.
where your ♥ is,
there is your happiness."
-St. Augustine

Happiness is...
keeping your spirit burning brightly.
learning to take your troubles lightly.
counting your blessings daily, nightly.
-linda elrod

"Mirth is God's medicine. Everybody ought to bathe in it." --henry ward beecher

The Bell Jar

"there must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure,
but I don't know many of them. Whenever I'm sad I'm
going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in ♥ with
somebody I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down
just so far and then I say: "I'll go take a hot bath."
...quote from The Bell Jar

kept a captive of my own soul & miscommunicated to the heavens.
my ♥ remains heavy so often I forget what light feels like.
light that used to fill my days & lighten my smile.
I see glimpses of that girl I once was & it amazes me to remember life before
stumbling into this startling darkness. I remain trapped inside this body of fear that has made itself so prevalent. at times I can barely move. where does this come from?
what needs to be said or done to change, before spiraling out of control? God's answers remain
standing I'm sure, it's just that I don't care to look behind me
to check on that. I am mired deep in the here & now, with no
vision for a future or change of season. I see others struggling around
me - and I hurt for them. I seem them search for answers the
same way that I have & get their heart trampled on along the way.
it's not a pretty picture that surfaces. a flood of days that
once were comes rushing back all at once. lazy sun days
and calling friends to chat for hours, when there was all
the time in the world for that. a connection to those
I love has been severed - and in return, for those that
care about me. my strength learns in new ways to be
drawn from the One above - and not my friends here.
attacked at my weakest moment leaves me
feeling deserted & lowly. my rock & fortress becomes
someone I haven't leaned on for strength in a long
while. my perspective changes everything all at once
and clouds my view of any happiness to be found.

- written during a difficult point in my life while working as a residential counselor at a rehabilitation facility for struggling teens

{nicole}

the lonely sky remains on my horizon
pictures flash across the screen & I wonder
what will be left of this crazy place?
who will be there to call out in the night?
and wander the halls searching for answers
to cry & fight & remember the best and worst of others
never letting go of the past & unwilling to take hold of the future
to hide behind such a shield of anger that
spins her world out of control once more
cycling down into despair & the darkness of rage
one that feels so truly alone that she'll escape
everything and everyone just for a brief glimpse
of no more pain & the dulling of senses for a while
who will remain to judge other misfortunes
and never be silent or still? one that is so capable
of grasping love but unwilling to take that
last step and let love take hold of them.
black is her color of choice & takes hold
of the light behind her eyes when she's angered
a cold, glittering presence that yells to be heard,
yet is so unwilling to find the voice of reason that lives
inside of her. who can change this mind of hers?
who can blend the black slowly, slowly into grey
& finally light up her world with color & white?
who can trample down the walls so carefully constructed around
the heart so often torn & thrown away? someone so often
forsaken & tossed around just waiting to stick to someone who
cares & shows love in abundance. if I can't be that
person, I'll pray for that someone that can.
can overlook the pain
and get to the ♥ of my beautiful, hurting girl.

><:solace:><

i drink in the silence of the world that surrounds me
me, in my own cocoon of emotions
i wait. i wonder.

the silence that glides like a train in the still night air, stars glimmering down.
thoughts come easy but harder to form into words & feelings
silence that gives my emotions wings to wander & fly.
heart warming memories that bring a smile to my face in my own solitude.

solitude that can shatter as easily as a china doll and yet can reappear just as quickly.
nesting in a house full of thoughts, like a bird returns to its nest of young.

this house is fragile, as though a strong wind might blow it to pieces.
an endless stream of uncharted waters, gliding, drifting.
drifting towards the unknown of tomorrow.
sailing off into the blue requires a strength that i cannot seem to possess.
gladness that returns & sadness that fades.
the bright ocean is glaring & challenges me to sail on.
winds that corrupt even the best sailor's intents.

Beware.
staying the course that was plotted long ago in the safe of the harbor is suddenly futile.
the sailor tries with all his might to steer against the raging storm, & may succeed but for a moment,
only to be cast down by the tormenting waves.

Someone.
someone to guide his ship, save him from this course of disaster & doom.
i am that sailor.
the world a storm that rages out of control & only one may guide my ship safely back to harbor.
my light in the darkness.
light that melts the fears around my heart & restores sunshine through the clouds.
my Strength when I am weak.
my Father. my friend.
my Jesus.

- peace -

a territory unheard of.
where endless streams flow, full of energy & life.
persuasion to concede & change direction would be against the waters very nature.
the path that is chosen is twisted & bending, like the trees in the wind.
a boundless supply of wisdom & knowledge, for one wrong turn could mean the rivers end.
a dried up bank that has come loose from its source of life.
the water, meant not for a vessel of magnitude, but rather the slow & shallow pull of a canoe.
one woman surrounded by nature & all of its glory.
a limb dangles perilously close to breaking.
a tree frog sounds to its mate from the distance.
birds dance & sing among the lush wildness of this jungle.
snakes glide along the surface like ropes pulled from an unseen source.
everywhere screams peaceful.
an interruption would cause a great chaos & upset this reverie that lives apart from man.
who knew that such a world could exist?
far from the glow of city lights & bank tellers & jumbo jets.
a world that is based on necessities that have grown into grander dreams & desires.
a world where money could purchase any living thing.

but under the same sun & moon there lies this land of mystery.
where life rises & falls to its own tune - without a care of time & boundaries.
passion for a life apart from the noise & confusion.
forgiveness that comes from realizing one's own faults in the quietness & dark depth of the muddy waters.

if peace could be found & conquered, our world would collapse.
and with it - my very soul & survival.

- jungles -

a fire that rages on, a fleet of ships that weather the storm.
the sun the refuses to yield to the rain and a child that knows no fear.
the commonality is this - determination.
determination to live and not turn back - not just to live, but to prosper.
leaving a legacy in your wake.
isn't the is the dream of one and all?

to finish what is started and come around the bend swiftly and safely.
knowing all is secure for those behind you.
to fight through the trials and emerge triumphant.
not all have this ability.
but for those who do...wield it well.
for the triumphant ones - the ones who love to live, do you also live to love?
respect the ones who are wise and have lived before?
to find one's true soul and give into the power of believing.
to risk all not in turn for gain, but just for the sake of adventure & knowledge.
to tread in the jungles of fear and swing from the vines of childish faith.
throw caution to the wind & plan no return, set no boundaries, and live no lie.
let truth be your freedom & plan only on living life to the fullest, relying on faith.

speak for that child that has no voice and that tribe that has yet to be uncovered.
live not for money, but to see brothers & sisters believe and have a place with the angels.
all fear is lost when freedom is gained & our lives are unlocked.
how powerful one man, and one woman could be.

the question remains...whom shall I send?

"desperation is the state of the heart that comes to pursue God for it's very life. the spiritual disciplines are the means by which we keep putting ourselves into the presence of God. it means that you keep coming back to prayer even when you cannot see one answer. keep reading the words in the Bible until the Holy Spirit shows up & gives you understanding. keep hanging around other believers even when they have disappointed & caused pain. keep bringing every ugly thought back into captivity. keep repenting even if you're tired of repenting. keep singing the praise of worship even when your heart seem to be dying."

"thou hast formed us for Thyself, & our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee."

"doubt is a natural part of the human experience in our praying. the worst thing we can do is not pray unless we think we have perfect faith. instead its our doubt that should motivate us to pray."

"prayer is an epic, not a short story."

"commit to the Lord whatever you do, & your plans will succeed."

- all quotes obtained from Angel McGill's journal.
a unstoppable woman, on fire for the Lord.

the secret lies

"you have been lied to & you believed it. you have listened to all those voices but denied My voice. I think you are beautiful. let Me exchange my truth for the lies. let me quiet the noise & let Me remove the clutter in your heart. hear the truth of my adoration. walk in confidence because of my love. noise in your heard, clutter in your heart & distractions of your soul - these are neutralizing tactics that the world & even Satan use to keep us from dancing with God." - anonymous

- desire -

kiss away the night that falls darkly into dusk.
a heart driven by more than passion, a flaming desire unspoken & the thought dissipates with the wind.
unfurling & churning down in the depths of a soul - yet to be discovered & truly awoken.
the dawn of a brilliant truth - a soul uncovered & laid bare before those held most dear.
dreams displayed & the breath of a whisper of hope.
a moment of truth fades into a lifetime of goals & ambitions.
and most certainly, desires.
does one desire the person of their dreams, or do they instead dream up that person they desire?
the answer lies beknownst to no man or woman, a cave of mysteries that dwells dark & still.
uninhabited yet yearning for someone to relinquish it's lone hold of such a power.
perhaps its intent will be uncovered one day.
when we are old & spent & the end draws near.
will time never come to a halt to reveal this timeless magic?

it is for naught and the secret still remains. what is love?

-written by amber marie

flight of the butterfly

who gave the butterflies their wings of energy & dizzying flight?
who set the moon in place to shine by night?
who summoned the winds to create a stumbling tornado wrecking havoc?
who makes the stars twinkle above us in the night sky while we sleep?
who makes the blasting fury of volcanoes and their molten lava to fill the sky & earth?
who pieced together imperfection to create a man so small?
who gives us family to love and friends to laugh?
who fulfills the wondrous dreams of our heart that we dare not whisper?
who cherishes us, watches over us, & stands waiting when we push Him aside and ask for more?
who sees our every move, listens to our every unbreathed word & finishes our thoughts before we think them?
lingering with bated breath while we dream & plan on our own. whispering through tears, "you are my child. my love for you will never change."

- by amber marie

- rain -

the unrelenting tears that wield a mystery call my heart. teardrops mingled with raindrops that bring indescribable feelings. words that flow through my heart with unspeakable veracity. a fear of failure, the glow of embarrassment, the childishness and immaturity. joy and astonishment are a thing of the past. my mind wanders to a different day.

everything was new and good - the world a bright and cheerful space. bewilderment and awe were the daily discoveries. calloused and jaded is my mind. or perhaps my heart. love lost and then found and then lost again. friends that humiliate and disappoint. failures brought to life and light and the proof that i can do no right.

rain that tries to drown my sorrows but only succeeds in bringing truth. i am a mortal and but a flicker on this great earth. a moment in this lifetime and quickly fleeting. pressing on towards the unachievable goal. a firefly with no more flying, whose flickering fades and then peters out. a gasp of breath from a dying man's bed.

the hope that clings to life itself and then floats gently back down to earth like the flight of a feather. what then? does mere existence give birth to a greater journey? a plan & a future - shining brightly like the sun. joy intertwined with pain - does it have to be this way?

will i ever learn to dream and chase it? stop turning from that faithful hand that stands open and ready? plunge into the deep end of life and learn to swim one stroke at a time. learn to dive and soar, just as the eagles take flight. hear the purr of a kitten and the croak of a frog. remember delight and wonderment around every corner & as far as the eye can see. chase gloom into a thing of the past & wish on bright stars of the future.

return to the loving arms of the father who never forsakes or condemns. who loves me as i am. no less, no better, just me. if i whisper His name again will he hear me?

- written by amber marie

Heartlight days

If I had a dream to give or a hope to hold, I would. If love wasn't such a hard barrier to cross and if it only didn't cut so deep. If my sins weren't so hard to expose and I could stop the lies that are so prevalent. My patience wears thin and thinner still is the skin that once covered this heart of mine. Mine to own up to and mine to explain away as I choose...is this pain. Fear grabs ahold and won't let it's talons go. Nights storm the light out of my head and heart and allows the mind to wander in areas it should not tread. Being fearful and afraid to live this life - is not the person I was made to be. The sense of longing that I have for something to change is powerful and overwhelms me at every turn. Why this battle rages on in my mind and heart, I don't know. How do I open myself up to something different and take a different path? Asking the question of what needs to change in my life to feel alive again? What do I need to let go of to allow His light into my heart once more? I know it was there. Before all the stress and this chaotic pool I've jumped into - but was it there? What have I to learn in all of this? How can I take one day at a time and focus on why He has me here for this very day - this very hour even? He knows me as his child, inside and out - but do I trust Him? Do I trust Him to never leave or forsake me and to give me that last ounce of strength that I need at the end of the day? Will I stop carrying this burden on my own and do more than pray for His strength and patience - but live on the promise that we have only to ask and He will give? Own up to my own faults and confess my sinse, and let it sink in that He is faithful and just to forgive me of my sins and will purify me of all unrighteousness. "Ask me, my child, and then go and live in it!"

Adonai

encouragement.
protection.
comfort.
love.
joy.
abundance.
salvation.
peace.
adventure.
brightness.

things are the things You bring into my life.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything
except what you’re going to do now and do it." --William Durant, founder of General Motors

:.:alter bridge:.:

"Brand New Start"

Against the sky
Streams of light
Call out to me and you

We leave as one
We've just begun
To find the solace we're due
This is the life we must choose

We will make a brand new start
From the pieces of our hearts
The break of day is before us

Cast your sorrows to the wind
Let the highway take us in
As we escape the disorder

This desert road
That we call home
This is our destiny
We'll chase the setting sun
As we outrun
A life of agony
God how we ache to be free

We'll make our way...
- lyrics by Alter Bridge